It has to start somewhere

It has to start somewhere
It has to start sometime
What better place than here?
What better time than now?

“Guerrilla Radio” by Rage Against the Machine

For the past 20 years i’ve wanted to start a blog. Ive tried a few times and even made a few posts but it never lasted. As I approach middle age, circling the sun 45 times this may be the time.

I went for a walk this morning after the gym like I normal do on my “non-city” days. Listening to the same songs i’ve had on various devices for the best twenty years a song came on I haven’t been able to listen to for a while, “You’ve got a friend” by James Taylor. Now, im not particularly a James Taylor fan but this is one of songs that my stepfather used to play (at full volume) to put my youngest sister to bed. I haven’t been able to listen to it since she passed away almost 3 years ago. Normally id hit skip when I realized what it was but this time I let it play. It was hard.

I started going to the gym a few years ago to help lose Covid-era weight. While it started as weight loss I realized it was more than that. It was therapeutic. While almost dying on the elliptical, listening to music or watching on the barely working tv’s I realized this was a time that was truly mine. I could be alone in my thoughts. I could sit back (or exercise) and think.

At my last physical I discussed with my Physician (or Physicians Assistant) my trouble sleeping. We discussed my past use of sleep aids (Trazodone, Ambien, etc…) which didn’t last long as they didn’t help. She suggested as I was approaching middle age and as the bread winner and sole provider for my family maybe it might be worth it to talk to someone (shrink) as it can be stressful in this situation and they may be able to help.

I tried finding a psychiatrist since I felt I needed a professional that could prescribe drugs to help. Lets just say it wasn’t easy locating one. Called the few that were listed in the NYU app only to find out most were for BlackRock employees (they probably need help more than I do anyway). Most of the others were tele-health only. Now being an IT professional, I have no qualms about doing things online but I still feel theres a few things better done in person, this is one of them. So after trying for a bit I just gave up.

Thinking about it this morning maybe I just need to let it out. Ive always had trouble talking about my feelings. Maybe it just needs to get out there. Ive thought about writing it down and then burning the “evidence”. Maybe start a journal? Maybe talk to god?

Maybe just maybe I use this as an outlet to do something ive always wanted to do.

Maybe its time I take the coming soon banner of the website I setup almost a year ago on a domain name ive probably owned for a decade.

Maybe its time to stop hiding behind a keyboard, instagram and facebook posts. As I started this post

It has to start somewhere
It has to start sometime
What better place than here?
What better time than now?